With the UW student body’s recent return to campus, members of the Greek community have begun vying to reestablish their social rank. However, some houses are already complaining of substandard ratings, which they claim to be “not [their] fucking fault.” Rather, there has been a stark increase in complaints surrounding the incoming pledge class, which has been described as “dowdy as fuck” amongst other vitriol.
“The kids are really fucking lame this year. Just chronically online personalities and can’t handle shit. They hardly pull any girls. When I’m trying to get drizzy on a tizzy [sic], these kids can’t keep up,” said Klyde K. Kyleson, Pulitzer-Prize winner who “slams brewskis with the boys” at the UW chapter of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity. He took a long sip of PBR and spat on the ground before confessing: “ASS-men used to be the tits, man.”
However, Carson McKarson, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma, has a plan to save the frat’s reputation. As part of their “welcome experience,” (which is different from hazing, McKarson assured us) PC ‘21 has been drafted in a massive construction project, erecting a 12-foot-by-18-foot wooden horse on wheels.
The horse will act as a vessel for “pussy-ass” pledges to enter parties where male entry is capped and men are charged to enter. Alpha Sigma Sigma will do so under the guise that they are gifting the horse to the house. McKarson hopes that socializing the pledges with women will improve their social skills and the house's reputation.
“It’s simple. Parties are where the girls are. These boys are all virgins and it shows. We have to get these kids laid,” McKarson nodded emphatically. “We can’t know if that’ll make them cooler, but it couldn’t make them less cool, right?”
Upon inspection of the build site, it quickly became apparent to our reporter that these brothers have almost no prior experience with construction, engineering, or tools. The original schematic called for plywood built over a stainless steel frame. However, after the near-loss of several limbs and one testicle, the brothers resorted to making it out of papier-mâché.
“Yeah, these guys have, like, no practical skills. We had a guy put a screw in his thumb yesterday. Not even a nail, like a full screw. Besides, PBR and notebook paper are cheaper than wood from Home Depot.” Kyleson remarked.
When asked if the fraternity drew inspiration from the legendary Trojan horse, McKarson replied, “What, like the condoms?”
Due to the setbacks, the fraternity struggled to finish the project by Halloweekend. Our reporter reached out to follow up on the maiden voyage of the “Pussynaut 3000,” as the frat dubbed the wood and papier-mâché horse.
The boys saw great success at Alpha Beta Zeta’s Halloween party, which many Kappa Kappa Kappa sorority sisters attended. McKarson reports sneaking over 25 pledges into the fraternity, 17 of which had their first sexual experiences that very evening.
“For a bunch of virges [sic], that’s pretty good. If we keep this up, we’d be [100 hundred emoji].” Kyleson chuckled in between chugs from his“Borg.”
The frat plans to continue to employ the Pussynaut, hopefully reclaiming their spot amongst the university’s wildest frats. McKarson reported, “so far so good. We already have 9 pledges on academic probation—things are looking up.”
