“You wanna know how to best calm down a bitch? Tell her ‘calm down, bitch!’”
The shocking line hails from Klyde K. Kyleson’s newest book, Damn, That’s Crazy. As the latest installment of his infamous men’s help guides (see our articles on The Hustle and Keepin’ it One Hunnid), Kyleson illustrates his techniques in tackling difficult conversations with women. By the end of the book, Kyleson claims the reader will be an expert on handling “Ugly Betties” and “annoying girlfriends” with class, ease, and a signature Kyleson-certified finesse.
To cover our end of the legally-binding book-review contract, News Adjacent sat down with Kyleson to learn about the inspiration behind Damn, That’s Crazy.
“There was this one time I was paper-baggin’ this butterface on the regular [it is against News Adjacent’s policy on hate-speech to define these terms] and she kept wanting to show me her interests and communicate her feelings to me. I was fed up, so I started replying to everything she said with three words or less. It saved me so much time from reading all the messages she was sending me, and that’s when I knew I was onto something.”
News Adjacent was also curious to know why he would let others revel in the innovative, life-changing, culture-resetting secrets of his craft for a low $49.99 ($78.99 for hardcover). He explains that he hates when women attempt to have serious conversations with him or share moments of vulnerability, noting that it’s “dumb,” “nagging,” and “too much work” to put in the effort. And after getting “drizzy on a tizzy [sic]” with some of the fraternity members in Alpha Sigma Sigma, he found that others shared his sentiments. Writing his techniques down allowed others to follow in his suave footsteps while simultaneously helping “fund his new snowboard.”
However, the book didn’t come without its set of challenges. “[The book] was nearly impossible to write,” Kyleson claims. “The laptop that I use has a couple of sticky keys that makes it hard to type on, but I’m pretty sure it’s just coke from all the lines Bradley Michaels and I used to do on it.” Thankfully, someone from his frat Alpha Sigma Sigma (“ASS up, bros!”) licked the board clean, and Kyleson was able to resume snorting lines and copying ChatGPT.
The book was met with high praise from his entirely male readership. One reviewer, Nick E. Minnage, describes how it impacted his friend’s life for the better:
“This guy in the [fraternity] house, Jacob, is this low-T soy beta cuck who was in this happy long-term relationship. Everybody knows that ain’t the ASS way, so I gave him my copy of Damn, That’s Crazy. Now, he’s shagged almost all of Beta Omega, our sister sorority, and he has strategies for the females that get too emotional. The operation was so successful that I made it my mission to evangelize the good word.”
Check out the Philosophy section of your local library to read Damn, That’s Crazy today. Also available in Fiction if your librarian is a “skank-butt femoid hag.”
