Controversial electric car company and lifestyle brand Tesla announced the newest (and youngest) member of their high-price point fleet earlier this month – a baby stroller.
The new product launched after Musk fulfilled his court-ordered parental visitation with his son, X Æ A-XII. Sources close to the former twitter CEO shared that the singular day was “challenging” for him, as he does not feel “paternally bonded” to Grimes’ child, and he also “hates children.”
After this mandated playdate with the child he once begged Grimes to have, Musk immediately contacted the brightest minds at Tesla and SpaceX to request a “self-sufficient baby walking device with features that I will like, ASAP. EOM.” Thus, the Model ABC was born.
Although unconventional, the Model ABC has been lauded as “visionary” and “the future of parenting” by Elon Musk. Tesla’s market analysts expect the Model ABC to become wildly popular with PARENTS (People and Artists Richly Endowed with iNnovative ideas and limited Time, Sadly), an elite group of superthinkers with children and minimal interest in parenting.
The company’s newest addition to the baby gear market offers a host of unconventional features marketed towards these busy, high-achieving PARENTS. The $6,852.99 MSRP Model ABC is equipped with Full Self Driving (FSD) beta software, and can take its tiny passenger on a computer-guided walk around the neighborhood. The stroller is equipped to cross major intersections and recognize the symbols on pedestrian HAWK (High-Intensity Activated crossWalK) Beacons, a traffic control device used to stop road traffic and allow pedestrians to cross safely. Additionally, the stroller can “usually identify” changes in terrain and modify speed accordingly, as well as prevent “most instances” of toppling, according to Wired.com.
For more hands-on parents (and PARENTS) who prefer to walk with their children, the Model ABC offers various productivity features. Consistent with other Tesla vehicles, ABC offers Passenger Play with a special “Do Not Disturb mode,”enabling parents to work in Microsoft Office Suite on the attached 15-inch touch screen while their child is muted.
However, despite its many safety features and signature presumably-airtight Tesla engineering, the Model ABC has exhibited issues, delaying the rollout process.
Consistent with the Full Self Driving features in full sized Tesla vehicles, the Model ABC’s FSD led to multiple collisions and small explosions. In case of collision with an automobile, the Model ABC should eject the baby from the main stroller body in a carefully designed safety pod, The STORK (Safe in Traffic cOllision– Reliable, thanK god), which resembles a baby carrier that launches from the stroller upon impact and lands safely and gently somewhere away from the initial ejection site. Instead, engineers found that ABC struggled to compute sudden changes in elevation, leading to a few “curb-jumping” instances. Thankfully, the STORK kicked in, launching the crash dummy baby to safety 150 feet away. Tesla estimates that STORK prevents 73% of AI-guided-walk related fatalities.
The stroller’s onboard computer additionally did not recognize toddlers or ASS (Adults of exceptionally Small Stature) as obstacles, and instead perceived them as “targets” (a holdover from the integrated SpaceX technology that was designed to identify, lock onto, and destroy aliens and foreign space bodies.) This particular issue has been resolved, and the Model ABC no longer shares code with SpaceX missiles, according to Tesla representatives.
Despite these red flags, Tesla remains resolute that this product is the future of baby gear, and no one is more thrilled than the company’s own absentee father. In an interview with Invention & Technology Magazine, Musk stated that he had “never been prouder,” and reflected that inventing “fulfills him in a way nothing else can.”
