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Faux Ad

March 16, 2025

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Anne Ominous

New DOGE directive creates ‘euthanasia’ program for federal workers

In the midst of drastic cuts to the federal workforce, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has unveiled a radical new initiative to slash personnel head counts across government agencies. Its new program, dubbed 'Death to Feds' (DtF) by its proponents, offers what the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) describes as a 'generous compensation package' in exchange for workers' voluntary euthanasia.

Why The $12 Latte Is A Good Thing, Actually

Would you pay double digits for a 6oz drink infused with “positive energy?” Good Vibez Café, Ballard’s newest “spiritual hub and coffee centre,” thinks you should.

Fraternity Takes Trojan Horse Approach to Get Pledges Into Parties

With the UW student body’s recent return to campus, members of the Greek community have begun vying to reestablish their social rank. Some houses are already complaining of substandard ratings, which they claim to be “not [their] fucking fault,” but Carson McKarson, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma, has a plan to save his frat’s reputation.

Satire

January 17, 2024

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Ben Olson & Emily Vaughan

“Bring Back the Viaduct”: One Group’s Campaign to Revive Seattle’s Long-Standing Traffic Legacy

In Seattle’s attempts to restore its historical Waterfront District, many locals have welcomed State Route 99’s new vehicular tunnel. However, amidst the gallant support the tunnel has garnered so far, a small but mighty community has cried out in protest of the shift away from a traffic-riddled city.

Female Group Taking Up The Entire Sidewalk To Be UW Football’s New Defensive Line

UW Football made heads roll this past weekend when they announced a new scouting policy for shoring up the team’s defense. Coach Dotteedeyu encountered a stunningly impossible obstacle on the sidewalk—a solid wall of female bodies, reeking of Victoria Secret’s “Bombshell” perfume body spray. Although he was initially “madder than a dog in heat,” he was quickly taken aback by the defensive strategy the young women employed.

The Hustle: An Expert’s Guide to JV Lacrosse

Klyde K. Kyleson is a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, achieving a multitude of records in his short career as a writer. His new book, The Hustle, is a prolific guide on an emerging field in sports. Watched by dozens of players’ families who don’t want to be there, high school junior varsity lacrosse is becoming the new sport for mass entertainment.

From KKK to MLM—Where do Sorority Girls Go After College?

Ashleigh has graduated (and the sorority refuses to continue housing her), and so she now embarks on a turbulent journey most upper middle-class white women take in an attempt to answer the question—“where do I go now that I’ve peaked?” For most, including Ashleigh, the answer seems to lie in Multi-Level-Marketing companies.

"Damn, That’s Crazy:" How Real Men Conquer the Emotional Female Mind

Do you hate when females do that thing where they try to get to know you? Kyleson illustrates his techniques in tackling difficult conversations with women in the latest installment of his men's help series. By the end of the book, Kyleson claims the reader will be an expert on handling “Ugly Betties” and “annoying girlfriends” with class, ease, and a signature Kyleson-certified finesse.

Tesla Releases New Baby Stroller, Model ABC

Controversial electric car company and lifestyle brand Tesla announced the newest (and youngest) member of their high-price point fleet earlier this month – a baby stroller. ‍Although unconventional, the Model ABC has been lauded as ‘visionary’ and ‘the future of parenting’ by Elon Musk. However, despite its many safety features and signature presumably-airtight Tesla engineering, the Model ABC has exhibited issues, delaying the rollout process.

Satire

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