In the midst of drastic cuts to the federal workforce, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has unveiled a radical new initiative to slash personnel head counts across government agencies. Its new program, dubbed 'Death to Feds' (DtF) by its proponents, offers what the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) describes as a 'generous compensation package' in exchange for workers' voluntary euthanasia.
DOGE has faced controversy from its inception—as not an official department as the name suggests, but an advisory body unofficially headed by aspiring court eunuch Elon Musk and staffed by a contingent of twenty-somethings armed with all the technical expertise that ChatGPT has to offer. The group previously made waves with its infamous "Fork in the Road" deferred resignation program, which many have described as a precursor to the more permanent approach afforded by DtF.
“It’s not that we’re telling people to kill themselves,” OPM representative Sarah Scales clarified in a subsequent statement. “We only humbly request that those in the federal service recognize the financial burden they put upon this fine country by remaining alive.”
An email with the subject line ‘A Knife in the Road’ was sent to all civilian staff members from an unsecured email server on Tuesday, March 11th at 11 p.m., announcing the program and explaining its implementation. It stated that ‘euthanasia stations’ would be deployed to all headquarter offices in Washington D.C. and rolled out to regional offices within the month. It also promised a severance package equivalent to one year of a participating employee’s salary, to be paid out to beneficiaries of the individual’s will upon enrollment and “successful execution [sic].”
Musk voiced support for the rollout of the euthanasia program on X (formerly Twitter) primarily by quote-tweeting distressed federal workers’ grievances with the caption, “Very epic [sunglasses emoji].”
Just days after DtF’s announcement, multiple federal agencies confirmed the receipt of what many have sardonically termed “suicide booths”—though installation of the facilities has been described as haphazard in many cases.
“I’m pretty certain [the euthanasia stations] are just recycled porta-potties [sic],” said a worker at the Department of Energy, who wished to remain anonymous. “It still said Honey Bucket on the side.”
As such, the booths have drawn strong criticism from a number of politicians seeking to champion the federal service.
“It is utterly demeaning and unacceptable to make this sort of statement to public servants, to essentially suggest that they spend their final moments in a public toilet,” Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer said in a critique of the directive. “These things should, as a baseline, meet the suicide booth quality standards we saw in Futurama.”
However, upon receiving backlash from the White House for contributing to the ‘problematic’ misconception that DtF will consist of suicide methods as opposed to euthanasia, which is administered through medical assistance, Schumer quickly issued a correction: “Well then they should at least have some sexy attendants on hand like that Vonnegut story.”
On the other side of the aisle, President Donald Trump commended Musk for orchestrating the newest step in reducing the federal workforce. He did not address reports of the euthanasia facilities’ poor quality, but asserted that low participation in the new program was due to “incompetent, unmotivated DEI hires.”
“They’re lazy, they’re stubborn,” President Trump said in a video posted on Truth Social. “We gave them the booths, nice booths. Really beautiful suicide booths. And they say ‘no, no we won’t go in, we won’t kill ourselves.’ It’s all ‘no, no, no.’ That’s too much to ask from them.”
DtF has also reignited criticism of the previous administration’s failure to pass the Stop Murder-Endorsement of Government Manpower Act (SMEGMA). The act, which would have criminalized the euthanasia of federal workers, was struck down in a House vote in 2022 despite widespread public support. As it stands, any revamped talks surrounding SMEGMA are considered to be dead in the water, and newly opened challenges to the constitutionality of the suicide booths remain to be litigated.
