UW Football made heads roll this past weekend when they announced a new scouting policy for shoring up the team’s defense. The husky’s new defensive coach, Yudub Dotteedeyu, was inspired by his recent experiences traversing The Ave between practices. Dotteedeyu noted that he is a “big fan” of the somewhat popular bar Finn MacCools, which serves his favorite food and beverages (light beer and chicken “tendies”).
On his way to enjoy some tendies, Dotteedeyu encountered a stunningly impossible obstacle on the sidewalk—a solid wall of female bodies, reeking of Victoria Secret’s “Bombshell” perfume body spray. Although he was initially “madder than a dog in heat,” he was quickly taken aback by the defensive strategy the young women employed.
“Those b*tches employed the Flying Wedge, executed flawlessly.” Without hesitation, he pulled out his checkbook and signed “the broads [sic].”
Since the University is a public institution, the girls’ right to play is defended under Title IX. However, their right to “get drizzy with the boys” is not as safe.
“It’s so embarrassing, man. It’s not even the fact that they’re girls. They just don’t respect the bro code. I should be able to take steamy showers with all of my teammates, not just the ones who wear nut cups,” said Coot R. Munch, the Huskies’ left tackle.
The group has been performing well to UW’s standards, quelling all initial doubts of their abilities. Because of this, other players on the team have gradually come around and are welcoming the girls to the team, albeit somewhat brusquely.
Quotes from the Players
“It gets pretty annoying when we have to repeatedly explain that the ‘Patagonia-wearing cheerleaders on the field’ are actually our 4-3 defense [a defensive strategy]. But that just means we have the element of surprise on our side,” said Richard Ryder.
“Honestly I don’t really know anything about this game, they told me I could stand still and get my tuition paid in full. I’m 6 foot 4 and 250 pounds, man, I don’t have to know anything,” explained Brock Brockton, who is the quarterback’s understudy.
“I love these b*tches! Taught me how to wash my ass,” said Liam Leeson.
Inspired by the now dubbed “Broads in the Wedge,” Dotteedeyu has been quick to create new defensive formations, including “The Egg Salad,” “The Hoochie Coochie (Reverse),” and “Eiffel Tower,” to name a few.
